Emotions
2 07 2008In the past, I’ve mostly used this as a place to track my workouts, but I’m going to start writing more blog like posts as well.
All my life I used to work in the entertainment industry. From a high schooler working at an amusement park, to working in television, and eventually working in the video game industry. Most recently it was working at a sporting venue. I worked 80, 90, or 100+ hour weeks for 8 months out of the year (I’d work a good 50-60 the other 4 months). I loved what I did, putting smiles on faces, coming up with new and exciting ways to improve what we did. I was just giving up too much to do it.
In the 3.5 years I worked there, I put on 65 lbs eating concession food at events, and fast food in the few minutes I wasn’t working there. I had very high blood pressure from the stress of the events, dealing with unhappy customers, and a boss that was very demanding. The only exercise I got was climbing 101 steps to get to my office on event days, the rest of the time I was sitting at a computer all day. My gall bladder became so clogged with gallstones that my body was literally poisoning myself and had to be removed quite rapidly after several trips to the ER where they didn’t know what was causing my pain. After the surgery, I went home took a nap for about an hour, and then went into work, as there was an event that day, and I was needed. That’s just the way life was there. I lost contact with most of my friends, missed all birthdays, family reunions, weddings, and funerals. In short I missed out on everything that made life worth living. I was so miserable all the time that I ended up on on anti-depressants, and the worse I felt, the heavier the doses got.
When I finally got up the courage to leave, I took some time for myself. What was planned to be a month or two off to get off the anti-depressants, recover, and then find work turned out to be 10 months of looking before I finally found something. During that time my blood pressure returned to normal, I was able to get off all the meds, but while I had plans on exercising, I still didn’t get started.
I finally found work in the “corporate” world, and it’s taken me almost a year now to fully adjust. Every day I’ve gone into work and been grateful for the job, the people I work with, all the extra things I don’t have to do, the extra money I’m getting, and lately the Fitness Center at work, where I have been working out almost daily.
I have been the happiest in my entire life, with the exception of this past week.
This past Sunday I went back to an event at my old place of work. I had a great time seeing everybody again, and enjoyed the event.
Since then however, I’ve been a mess. My mind has been reliving those years, all the good times, and all the bad. Intermixed with these for the first time, are questions about my current job. For whatever reason it’s been really tough there this week, and I can’t help thinking about the events, and how cool it was being a part of them. Yet I know I have made the right decision.
The problem is, I really let my attitude get in the way of things. Monday I quite literally came home and was in bed at 4:30. I thought all day of taking a vacation day on Tuesday. It probably would have been the best thing to do, but I made excuses for why I had to be there, and in a way, almost punished myself by making myself go. Tuesday I went, and didn’t get much done, came home messed around on the computer and went to bed feeling really unfulfilled. All the while I’ve been “Depressed” eating and could feel my gains going away. Today everybody seemed to need my help, all at once, and all insisting their project was the most important. I quite literally, got into work, worked on my project for 7 minutes before the first request on my time was posed, and left work never having a spare second to look at it again.
I was really bummed out and wasn’t going to exercise today either. But really got frustrated and decided to take out the frustrations on the exercise equipment. Looking back on it, I did have a good exercise session but during it I just felt like I wasn’t going fast enough, or wasn’t able to lift as much as I had in previous days.
Writing this all up has been very therapeutic, and I know a lot of that stemmed from getting out and exercising again. It didn’t give me a rush of excitement or happiness or totally flip around my mood, but it was a step in the right direction, and this post is another.
That’s the goal of this blog. One step at a time. I’ll get there. It won’t be easy. Nothing that is worth it is ever easy.
Thanks for sharing… I am sure many people will read a little bit of their own story in what you’ve written here. Even me, as someone who has completed 2 ironman races, and three 200+ mile bike rides, I still have to remind myself that when I get stuck in a rut with all those other “things in life”… that getting out and moving my body can make me feel much better. And so I need to go out and run right now!
You summed it up perfectly… “One step at a time!”
most often i look at my excercise life as just part of who i am (i work out regularly, no big deal) and i usually have no expectations as to what i will get out of an individual workout. i know that the cummulative effect is where the pay off is. i will be able to perform in races, think more clearly, live healthily, etc.
i appreciate your honest post. good job to you that you pulled it together and just went and worked out. it’s no big deal that it wasn’t the best session, there’s always tomorrow.
good luck sorting out your job. sounds like you mad e the right choice, but maybe there’s still something better out there for you.
Still being fairly new to having exercise in my life, I really have to mentally work to tell myself to workout after a bad/long day at work/life. But I am getting better at realizing how much better it makes me feel afterwards.
thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts…. I am one of ‘those people’ who can see myself in your story. It’s helpful to know I’m not crazy, or alone in this journey. Keep writing. We’ll keep reading.
Best!
S
I think its just that time of the year for a lot of us, I was in a pretty good funk for the last couple of days I got out today and ran and it felt great the weather was perfect. Good luck and you are definitely not alone.
> That’s the goal of this blog. One step at a time. I’ll get there.
> It won’t be easy. Nothing that is worth it is ever easy.
I think it was Greg LeMond who’s quoted as saying it doesn’t get any easier; you just get faster. The nice thing about working out is that while it might be hell at least it’s you’re own private hell. My favorite motivational phrase for weights is “Just lift the damn bar.” I guess my theme song should be Peggy Lee’s, “Is That All There Is?”
> In the past, I’ve mostly used this as a place to track my workouts,
> but I’m going to start writing more blog like posts as well.
Well written post. How’s it feel to be back in the entertainment buisness?
Wow,
I fully understand having a stressful job that is literally killing you. I’m in the process of transitioning myself - hopefully by the end of the year.
Don’t let the emotional fall out set you back, it probably stems from stuff you haven’t dealt w/ yet. Believe it or not, it’s normal to mourn any loss - even a job you’re not completely happy with. Take time to think about what you left behind - good and bad, and think about what you’ve gained, sounds like better health, less stress, and before looking back - peace of mind.
Hang in there and keep taking care of you.
I am a mother of 5, ages 15-3 yrs. and look nice physically 5′7 1/2″ 126lb, but want to eventually do a triathon (need skill and endurance). I would like to get a good plan and implement it into a full life to meet this goal. I’m willing to put in the effort, because I love physical activity and a challenge, but need good insight and direction. If anyone has some good sites/plans/info. please feel free to give it. Movin Mama
Wow! You have truly struck a nerve…in a good way…for all of us on this post. This is a topic we were all too insecure or afraid to confess with the exception of you. Cheers to you and to everyone else who has confided in each other the pain and pressure of life, work, families, and exercise.
You have inspired me to make a separate post of my own.
Wow! Thanks everyone for all your comments. I’m just an average guy who never was into fitness who is slowly changing his life and the priorities in it. I was blown away to see this on the front page of the site, but it has shown me the power of this community. As I stated in my post the exercise was the first step to getting out of my “funk” and writing about it was the next.
Ya know..I’ve always used this site as a way of talking to myself. I use it to have pep talks or just record things I think are important. I liked reading your post